The majority of the time on this blog, with a few exceptions, we've maintained a positive vibe, happy thoughts, and encouragement to get all of us through the day, week, month, or year. I've tried my best to turn my bad days, bad thoughts, into life lessons, made them into things with a positive outcome.
But the simple truth of the matter is, it's not always rainbows and sunshines. It's not always happy, and it sure as hell is not always positive.
I've suffered from unhappiness throughout most of my life. I've struggled with trying to keep my outlook on life a positive one; I'm cynical, negative, and terribly sarcastic, and that is how I've been for the major part of my life. I'm not positive, I don't have a positive outlook on life.
The only thing that ever kept me positive, was writing the blog posts on here, and friends that pushed and pulled me along; not only friends but sometimes even friends of friends.
They kept me going, they forced me to see the good side of life, and how sometimes, happiness is forgetting about everything else, and just living in the moment, laughing about the dumbest of things. For that, I am forever grateful to all these people; if they ever read this, I hope you are able to identify yourself, and I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Everybody feels sad sometimes, yes, but not everybody feels that sadness constantly, hovering over them like a dark, extremely condensed cloud; a big ball of dark sadness. It taints everything, every living, breathing moment; it's always there, constantly, staying at the edge of every moment, even the happy ones, and you're always hyperaware of its presence.
You're afraid even, that the happy moment that you're experiencing at that second might get too close to this particular dark cloud, and then be ruined forever. A happy moment, filled with colour, tainted with darkness, until it turns completely dark, and absorbs it until there is no colour left within the happy moment.
It's extremely difficult to live with this feeling, constantly. Like I said, it taints everything. It's difficult to enjoy the happy moments, because you're aware of the fact that every moment is temporary, everything is fleeting; you won't be happy forever.
The happiness won't always last, and this lunch with your family, this phone call with your best friend, this good moment, will end sooner or later. You can't quite keep this feeling captured within you for forever.
The sad part is, you never realise or think about the fact that your sadness is also not permanent; nothing in life is ever permanent. Things change, feelings change, people change; so then why is it so damn difficult to realise this when you're feeling sad?
Why is it so difficult to remember the good within you, but so bloody easy to go through your flaws again and again and again, until you've memorized them until you know them better than you know your own self?
Another lie that depression tells you? You need people to survive, to pull through it; you need your friends, your significant other, anybody who is willing to become your crutch, knowing or unknowingly. It makes you think you need people to help you, to fix you; what you don't realize or understand, is that you never really need anybody but your own self to get through it.
You need to be there for yourself, you need to make that effort, better than anybody else can.
There's only so much others can do for you; you know yourself better than anybody else knows you. Friends, family, nobody can do it like you can, because nobody but you is in this situation; nobody but you has walked in your shoes. You are, and have to be, your own savior, because while people might give up on you, you can't give up on yourself.
Sure, you are your own worst enemy, but just like you never tire of reminding yourself of your flaws, you should be the last person to give up on yourself.
Nobody will ever be there for you like you can be there for yourself; trust me, I've had this theory tested again and again and again. There's only so much pushing and pulling the people around you can do for you, until you learn to get up and walk again; nobody can take your steps for you.
That's a feat that you have to accomplish on your own, again and again, and again, regardless of how many times you have to do it.
I have the worst habit of doubting myself, doubting my work, doubting my skills, and it gets ten times worse during my depressive bouts. I deleted this blog even, all because it got too much, and the doubt in my head was louder than anything else.
It's a horrible combination really, the doubt and the sadness; I mean, can you imagine the conversations between the two, going on in my head? It's truly awful, and I wouldn't wish it even on the worst of my enemies.
However, through all of this, I know one thing for sure. Every day that I live, every day that I'm alive, I'm trying my hardest. I'm trying my hardest to not let the sadness win, and I'm trying my hardest not to let the doubt win; it'll be truly chaotic if both those things schemed against me and won.
It's difficult to be positive in such a confined environment, and it's difficult to be truly happy, especially when you're so aware of how fleeting it truly is.
But you know what? If the happiness is fleeting, then so is this life, and so is the sadness. Life is short, life is fleeting; it'll all be gone in a flash, and you won't even know it, because you'll have wasted all this precious time being sad and upset.
Yes, I'm not happy, I feel trapped and suffocated, and I want out, I want to go away for a while. Yes, I'm also bound by responsibilities and family, and I'm dependent on them for everything.
But trying means fighting against the odds, and I think I haven't been fighting the right fight. Someone once told me, you can either fight small, unnecessary fights within a war, just because you can't focus on the bigger picture, or you can pick your battles wisely and win the war. I'm guessing that's what needs to be done here.
I'm hoping this is going to help me, and I hope this helps anybody else who needs this too. I hope you're enough for yourself, and I hope you get through this too; I hope you realize these things too, and I hope you pick and choose your battles wisely, and you win them too in the long run.
If you need help, or are going through suicidal thoughts, please get help. Know you are loved, and that you can get through this too, no matter what.
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