Challenges & Bravery

Okay, so fair warning, this is going to be a feel good post for myself; something I can look back on, on days that are less than pleasant. Something I can be proud of, every time I look at it. Lord knows I need those on bad days anyway. So anyway, even though this post is meant more for myself than anyone else, I still hope that someone, somewhere, benefits from some teeny little part of this post. I hope they do.

Today, I did something I didn't think I would do, or would be able to do. I thought a million times of not doing it, of just letting it be; you know, whatever. It doesn't matter that much, even though funnily enough, I'd thought & thought, & worried about this exact same thing, for more than a few days. At one point, it was important enough to have been a topic of discussion with my friends & my sister. The truth was, it had been important enough as long as I had made it important enough; as long as I'd considered it important enough.

See, I came here to write, thinking that I will only take note of the thing that I'd accomplished, to keep it as a good memory, & then I'd be on my merry way. But that's never quite what happens here on this blog, is it? Now that I'm writing about it, a lot more things are coming to light than I'd even thought of; or rather, not thought of.

I didn't think much of any of the things I just mentioned, nor the ones I'm about to mention. I didn't think at all because that's the kind of mental place I have been in for the past few weeks. And by mental place, I do NOT mean an actual place that is mental; I mean that's the kind of place I have been in, in my head, just to clear that up.

Anyway, useless rambling aside, writing what I wrote above, has obviously made me realize a few things. First & foremost, is the very obvious fact that everything you do, everything you think is just so important, is actually only as important as you make it out to be. You'll keep doing it, as long as you think, as long as you have the realization, that this is important, in your head. Once you think, once you let the simple thought of "this isn't that important", get into your head, I guarantee you, it will lose its value.

It will lose the importance, the urgency, that you've associated with it. That thought, that urgency, that this needs to be done because this is just that important; it will vanish, without a doubt. And you will be left with what I'm dealing with nowadays; struggling to get the work done because nothing comes to my head every time I sit to work. It's actually very frustrating, & equally as sad.

For one of my classes, (take a WILD guess as to which one I'm talking about. Go on. And while you're there, also take note of the excellent sarcasm right here.) we had to be sorted into groups for the final project. Sound simple? It isn't.

I'll tell you why; while we had to be sorted, we were going to be doing the sorting. Meaning, we had to decide if we wanted to be group leaders or followers; & if we were going to be group leaders, we had to pick our group members.

Now, even if you've never met me, even if you've never spoken to me in real life, you will still know the fact that my personality is a complete 360° in uni, in comparison to how I am usually. I'm the complete opposite in uni: shy, quiet, reserved, soft-spoken, gentle.

Very obviously, none of this applies to me in situations outside of the uni. Like I said, the complete opposite. So if we were to do this in a situation that wasn't based inside the university, this would be a piece of cake, & just as exciting as I actually thought of it, instead of the quiet panic I felt. It wouldn't have been this difficult, & I wouldn't have had to spend as many days as I did, thinking about it.

So I thought & thought & thought, until eventually, I convinced myself that it does not matter as much as I was making it out to be. That, & the fact that I would be an awful leader anyway, & that because of the difficulties I'm having in my life currently, I wouldn't be able to do it. The brain; such an ugly place to be sometimes, isn't it? So vile & vicious towards the body that hosts it. How awful.

Anyway, I'd convinced myself to not become a leader, to not challenge myself, to not move out of my comfort zone, & to stay in familiar territory; aka, keep my mouth shut, & just doing what others ask me to do. No matter that goes completely against my natural personality, no matter that I am rarely someone that doesn't have an opinion about everything. Shut up & follow; that's it. That's what I've been doing ever since I came here. I never challenged myself, never moved out of my comfort zone.

To be honest, forget challenges & comfort zones; this is well within my comfort zone. This is not a challenge for me, at all, to begin with; it is something I enjoy immensely, & it is something that I'm at total ease with. Talking to people, listening to them, helping them; aren't all of those things, things that I absolutely love to do? Aren't I the person with the friendly, bubbly personality, that people genuinely need to ask to shut up, because I actually speak that much? Then why was it so difficult all of a sudden?

After all of this thinking & brooding came today; the actual day where we had to have decided if we wanted to be leaders or followers. Sounds so scary to the "uni me". I'm pretty sure there came once a point, halfway through the class, where I had an internal mini panic attack as I realized that by the end of the class, I'd had to have made a final decision. Just thinking back to that point is making me anxious, to be honest. It was genuinely nerve-racking.

So then, eventually, the big question was asked, & whatever decision I made then, would be it. What I was feeling at that moment; man. Bad anxiety is putting it mildly. I genuinely thought I would be too chicken to actually do it because becoming a leader would mean being responsible & active, & with the way things are going in my life right now, those are the last two things I wanted to be.

But guess what? I actually did it. I put my hand up, & I made the decision of being a leader. Now, for regular, actual me, this wouldn't be a big deal. It wouldn't even matter, to be honest. But considering my "other" personality, this was a huge deal for me. I broke out of that comfort zone, I refused to take the easier way, & I refused to go down the "expected" route.

I haven't felt this proud of myself in quite a while; this proud, this accomplished. It definitely was an amazing feeling, & it was just as definitely needed. It was a small victory, but it was a victory all the same. It felt pretty damn good to prove my own self wrong. It was really nice to finally be able to go against the obvious.

There really is no moral, motivating, or positive reason behind this post. There definitely wasn't one in my mind when I started writing this, & anything that seems otherwise is actually purely coincidental.

But what I will say, is that everything I wrote above, about the importance of things & the like; it really mostly depends on how much importance you assign to each task & each job, depends entirely on you. How important a job is, YOU decide. The importance of a job is all dependent on you & how you perceive it. Apart from that, sometimes it's good to challenge yourself, to go ahead, be brave, & do things that are very obviously out of your comfort zone. Sometimes, it's worth making that jump.

<3