Self-Reflection

"Don't become too preoccupied with what is happening around you. Pay more attention to what is going on within you."- Mary-Frances Winters.

There are some defining moments in your life, as a person, where it's like an actual lightbulb has gone off in your head, & you suddenly realize the glaringly obvious reality of the situation. You realize that what people close to you, friends, & family have been saying all this time, is actually true, & not just something they say to spite you or to be mean to you. No. It's actually the truth, that you couldn't see until a certain point in time. & the thing is, anything can cause this realization to dawn upon you. Anything can trigger it. Maybe something you wrote, maybe something someone else said to you that you're only really thinking about now. Or maybe, if you're THAT good at self-reflection & self-realization, you don't really need any external help to finally come to terms with it.

I'm someone that actually has trouble with constantly fluctuating emotions. I suppose I also am one of those people that wear their heart on their sleeve. I tend to make everything known, despite trying my best not to, despite making various promises to myself to not do it. I just can't help it. It's like it is hardwired into my brain to show my emotions as soon as I feel them.

It's frustrating, & it's annoying. Most of the time anyway. Although there have been instances where this quality has actually come in handy, mind you. It's not all bad. It has given me some of the best friendships of my life, some of the best experiences of my life; the ability to express emotions has also had its fair share of helping me create amazing first memories, & to not regret missed chances most of the time, because it has helped me take those chances.

However, like I said, it is frustrating & annoying nonetheless. I never know what will come out of the magic bag that are my emotions. I am never certain that I will wake up feeling positive. I am never certain that I will go to bed feeling depressed. I might be the happiest person you've ever seen, & then two hours later, I'll be talking about how life is so hard & how I've finally given up on it. Though the beautiful thing to notice here is, a number of times I've actually said that phrase, & how I'm still here.

I have actually given up countless times in life, yet somehow, I'm still here. I'm still going on, moving forward, no matter what. No matter how much I actually complain & whine; I'm still alive. Breathing. Living. I think that is so beautiful, because regardless of how many times I've beaten myself up over the fact that I'm not strong, the fact that I'm still here, still fighting through life, goes to show that that, in fact, is not true. No matter how many times I tell myself that, it does not make it true. Isn't that a wonderful thought? Also, it's consistent with what I've said before; do not believe everything your brain tells you. It's not true most of the time.

Anyway. I digress, as always. Moving on. So, I had all these people telling me recently, that I'm so negative, & that I always think so negatively. They all said it in varying ways, but the bottom line was the same: you are negative, your thinking is negative, & it needs to stop. The funny thing is before my uni friends started noticing it & telling me all about it over & over again, I'd already had a conversation about it with two different people. Funnily enough, they both had different approaches towards it. 

One was an actual two-way conversation, with the other person actually asking me why I think like this, when I'm actually not the type of person that would do something like this, & then went on to encourage me to try to change the way I think, & to have more faith in myself & to believe in myself. & the best part about the whole conversation was this person's belief that I'm actually not like this, that I'm not the kind of person that just gives up. They've only "known" me for what? Literally just 2 months? It was mind-blowing, to be honest, how easy it was to open up to them without the fear of judgment, & for them to believe in me more than I did myself. At least I think they did. I'm not so sure, as always, but whatever.

The other was more frustrated, yet had the same certainty as of the first person. This second person has known me for almost 3 years. They've had more experience with me than the first person, so I suppose they know what they're dealing with. They are equally as frustrated with this fluctuating personality problem as I am. It actually breaks my heart that someone else has to go through it with me. Nobody should have to do that. I can only imagine; if I'm this frustrated with myself, imagine what they must feel. Pretty awful, in my opinion.

I suppose it's easy to be patient with someone if you haven't had to spend as much time with them, & you know that you won't ever have to. It's easy to be a stranger looking in someone else's life, than it is to actually live, in that life, with them. I suppose that's why it's easier to open up to a stranger than it is to actually talk to someone that you've known for a long time. You don't have to live with them, you don't have to spend as much time with them; in some instances, you don't even ever have to see them again. It's like having a free-of-charge therapist. I love it. It's my favourite thing in the whole wide world, speaking to people.

Anyway, the point of this post was, I realized just a few hours ago, by reading something I'd written weeks ago, that all those people were right. I am way too negative, & I'm way too depressing. Plain & simple.

Now, as mentioned before, I'm not always like this. I realized that I'm only this way when I'm under pressure for things that concern only me; when I have my own problems. What I mean by that is, if someone else is in trouble, panicking, feeling anxious, or just downright sick, I am a lot more in control, & I am a lot calmer than I would be if it was me instead of the other person.

It's easy for me to be in control, be calm & reasonable when it's somebody else that's in crisis. I understand what they must be feeling, what state they are in, & I understand that they are in no shape to be in control of the situation; so, I take control FOR them. To make it a little bit easier for them. I suppose for me, it's mostly about the comfort of others. Not always, though. But most of the time, yes. That doesn't mean that I don't stand up for myself. I do. But only when something is too uncomfortable for me, & when I know it'll make me anxious.

So anyway, I'm definitely trying, no matter the baby steps, to shun this killjoy, we-will-all-die-anyway side of my ever-confusing personality. I've always said that I most definitely have two different personalities living inside me, with me. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you choose to look at it, they're complete, polar opposites. I'm always caught between the two of them. Probably also the reason why I'm so indecisive most of the time.

The point of all this is, as ever, don't always believe what your brain tells you. Don't make yourself feel worthless even before you let anybody else do that to you. Don't think you're being "realistic" or "saving yourself from potential hurt". You're not. You are just weakening yourself. You are readily giving other people, strangers even, the power to bully you, to weaken your self-confidence, whether you realize it or not.

I've never fully believed in the quote "love yourself before expecting others to love you", but I DO believe that you need to have faith in yourself before you expect others to have faith in you. The worst thing is, when others have some sort of faith, no matter how much or how little, in you, in your abilities; but because YOU don't have faith in yourself, you feel pressured due to their expectations. Please don't do that to yourself. You don't deserve that, at all. They expect because they believe that you can do it. They believe in you. Why not do the same for yourself?

No matter how hopeless you think you are, no matter how low you think your self-esteem & self-confidence is, it's never as bad as you think it is. Never. Like I've said, your brain makes it seem worse than it actually is. & you know why it does that? Because YOU have given it the power to do that to you.

Stop worrying about what people think. Start worrying about what YOU think. (& by worrying, I do NOT mean the panic-inducing, totally unnecessary overthinking that you're so used to doing. STOP IT.) Ships don't sink because of the water around them. Ships sink because of the water that gets IN them. Remember, you are worth it, no matter what. Always.