Regrets & Realizations

Fair warning, this one might actually be a downer. Though I guess it depends on how you perceive it to be. Anyway, if you came here looking for some positive encouragement, this might not have it. I don't know. We'll see how it goes.

So today morning I woke up feeling pretty upset. Actually, if I'm being honest really, this started yesterday, on the way home. It started then, & it just snowballed into something bigger & bigger, though I did not realize it or think about it really until today morning. Before I could dwell on it, or think about it, I slept, because I wasn't doing any work. I decided myself not to do any work, though I did try pretty hard to push myself & to convince myself that I needed to do it, that it just must be done.

I pushed myself, but decided to not do it after all, & just went to sleep. One evening of not doing it wouldn't matter much. No point in pushing myself that far. So I slept the whole evening & the entire night away. I did wake up in between, but I simply did not bother to get up fully & start working or even just getting up. I had had enough, & I just couldn't be bothered to force myself anymore that day. I was done with the day.

Now, when I say "done with the day", I mean that too many discouraging things had happened, & I did not have any more energy to push through, to shrug it off & go on. I couldn't be bothered to go on. I had no motivation to go on. This isn't the first time this has happened. For the 3 years of my uni so far, this has happened more times than I can even count. I have had to give up, because of lack of understanding, discouraging remarks, things that put me down & lowered my self-esteem to below zero, & obviously, doubting myself & my abilities.

The list goes on & on, especially because I myself am someone that gives up fairly easily. It's not very hard to make me give up, especially when it's something that I do not have an interest in. If I AM interested, then the story is different. My approach to the situation is different. I am more stubborn than if I wasn't interested. I push myself harder if that is the case. Though that's not to say that I haven't done the same in an unfavorable situation. I have pushed myself even when I hated the situation, simply because I knew I had to get the work done no matter what. There wasn't a choice. But yesterday, I just couldn't.

The realization of why this happened dawned on to me today morning. Kind of like a morning after of heavy drinking. Though in this case, the only thing that was involved were emotions, feelings, & me. So anyway, I realized why I didn't push myself to go on. It was because I'd had the realization that I'd been pushing myself more & more, way more than was necessary. I was constantly working; at uni, on the way home, at home, on weekends. Every single day of my life this semester, I'd been working, pushing myself, & tiring myself out, yet still not stopping.

I spent my weekends staying home alone, while the rest of my family went out, & working on assignments & studying. It became so much that I missed out on spending time with my older brother, who had come home only for about 10 days from Australia, & sadly, I did not realize this until today. The worst part is, he's leaving the day after tomorrow. I'd avoided asking anyone about it, about when he was leaving, because I didn't want to feel upset way before I actually had to. But today morning, while I was getting ready, mum told me herself. I didn't ask her, yet she still told me. & so, of course, cue the waterworks.

So anyway. I realized then that I'd been working so hard for nothing, for none of it was ever good enough. I was asked to repeat the same thing multiple times, & I've been asked this continuously in all of my 3 years of uni. Imagine working so, so hard on something, something you find difficult but still try your best to do it, & being asked to do it all over again, again & again. How frustrating that would be.

Yet, I still have kept going. I've still kept moving forward. I've still kept pushing myself harder & harder; stayed up more nights than I've slept, only to get up early morning & travel all the way to uni, no matter the times I didn't feel like going. I have been my strongest self, even when "giving up". I've never truly given up in the true sense. My "giving up" has always been partial, & temporary. I've always known that even if I say I've given up, it's still not a choice. It's not an option to ever give up.

But now I feel like sometimes, I should have. I should have drawn the line between studies & family. I've sadly come to regret some of my decisions, where I've focused more on studying & working, than on my family & what they were doing. I've come to regret the time that I did not get to spend with my only brother, whom I only get to see for a short while after months. & I hate this regret. I hate feeling like this. I could've stopped this. I could've not worked so hard, with no results, & focused more on spending more time with the people around me rather than with books & my laptop.

This realization & regret has made me stop caring so much about it all. It has made me stop worrying & being anxious about getting the job done, the work done. What, then, is the point of me trying so damn hard when it goes unnoticed anyway? Why have I been pushing myself so hard to work, when it doesn't matter what I do, it'll have to be repeated anyway? What was the point of doing it at all? Why am I bothering myself so much, when the students that don't put in even half as much effort as I do, in their work, & still get equal or better grades than I?

I've not regretted many things in my life. I see them as lessons or things that just had to happen. There is no point in regretting something that's gone by. But this; this I regret. I regret spending all those hours working because they have amounted to nothing but discouragement, & unsatisfied answers. I regret pushing myself so much, for something I will never be appreciated for. I've realized it, I regret it, & I hate it.