Love Yourself

Hello, lovelies!

I hope your week, and the weekend so far has been amazing. Even if it hasn't, just hold on until the end of this week; you can always make the next week a better one, right?

I myself have not had the best of days today; just one of those days where you feel empty and pointless. It's actually been a weird day; one of those where I'm physically present in the moment but not mentally.

Recently, the fact that there are only a few more months left until I'm done with my Bachelors and university, for good, has really hit home, and the looming uncertainty of the future is just really unsettling and daunting. I thought I was always sure of what I wanted, but now I feel like I'm not sure at all. I don't know whether what I want to do will stick with me if I apply for Masters in this.

I've had people tell me that I don't need to do a Masters related to writing to validate my interest/passion of it, and I guess that's one of the reasons that's putting doubt in my mind about whether I'll be able to do it or not. What if it also turns out to be like my Bachelors, and I start resenting what I once loved?

I don't ever want to resent something I've loved my entire life; I never want to hate or doubt something I've always been so sure about. But I am doubting it. I am doubting myself, my ability, my love for it. I was mostly confident about my writing ability since the beginning, but now, I'm not so sure. What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm just delusional, and I've never been as good as I've always thought I am?

I really do want to do my Masters in something I've always loved; I wanted to do my Bachelors in it too, but I didn't get the chance to. What if that was a sign, what if it was God saving me from heartbreak from the realization of not being good enough? What if I'm not good at anything at all?

Now, I know these doubts are only existing because I'm allowing them to. I know all the things about how I shouldn't let any of this cloud my mind, yada yada, but the trouble is, all these things are easier said than done; what are you supposed to do when your own mind is your worst enemy, which let's be honest, is the case most of the time?

However, thinking about all of this is just reenforcing what I've always said, always thought of; you always, always need to make yourself be the strongest you can be. Fight your own worst enemy, be it your mind, or anything at all really; because at the very end of the day, no matter how many people validate you, your brain, or your importance, at the end of the day, you, and only you, can ever really save and fix yourself.

Sure, it's difficult, and it's easier said than done to ever really strengthen yourself against your own mind, but whoever said anything worth having would be easy? That's right, nobody. It's not easy, but nothing good ever is; I don't think we'd ever appreciate the importance of anything, were it so easy to obtain.

Right now, I'm not strong enough, because I'm letting all these things cloud my mind; I'm letting my emotions, my brain, control me, instead of the other way around. But being aware of it is a good thing, right? It means I can fix it, I can work on it; I don't particularly know if I will, but I at least know I always have the choice and the option to work on it.

It's funny how it's always easier to be there for others, to always be their support system, validate their good qualities, help them tone down the self-hate for their flaws, and how terribly difficult it is to be that support system, that good person (gender neutral pronouns ftw!) for your own self.

I wonder why that is; is it possibly because we're always taught, as kids, to always be kind to others, but we're never told or taught, even once, to always be kind to ourselves too? Or is it because it's always easier to talk yourself down, to hate?

Is it because it's always easier to hate than it is to love? Why is it always so difficult to love yourself, but always, always so damn easy to doubt yourself, to hate yourself so vehemently?

What makes us think, as human beings, that other people deserve to be loved, to be showered with undying affection, but that we don't deserve the same from others, much less our ownselves? How are we supposed to defend ourselves from people that hate on us, when instead of showing them why they're wrong, we just agree with everything they say? I know I'm personally guilty of doing this exact thing.

I say let's stand up to and for ourselves. Learn to value ourselves, learn our own value; not by being validated by others, but by looking into our own selves. Less hate, more love. They say that the world these days needs more love and less hate; let's make this true not only towards other people, but towards ourselves too.

Realize that others' success and happiness does not mean it has to be compared with yours; after all, every person is different. Everybody has different definitions of what makes them happy, of what they consider to be successful; maybe what you see as extreme happiness in a person is only a mask they wear, so that nobody would ever question them.

You never know what a person is going through; be kind to everyone always. However, you know what you're going through; learn to be kind to yourself too, because just like other people deserve your kindness, so do you. Spread self-love, and believe in yourself and in your abilities. It's not easy, but you only ever need to take the first step towards it to get started; the rest will, one day, be history.

Look past the hate. <3