Mid-Semester Depression & Other Thoughts

It's that time of the year again.

Technically, this is one of the two times, since it's two semesters, but you get the point. It's halfway through the semester, & unfortunately, things have begun falling apart. It's not as dramatic this time around, thankfully, but it is what it is. I guess that's just because it's at the initial stage, but the fact that I can, & have identified it already, before it has had the chance to get out of hand, probably means that if I act smartly, I can probably overcome it, or at the very least, I can at least control it somewhat.

It gets rather difficult at times, though, to see even a little glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel or the slight sliver of a silver lining in a day. Sometimes, it takes over everything, every part of my day, even if there is nothing wrong. That's what's the most frustrating & upsetting part of this entire ordeal: having no real reason or an answer, when people ask what's wrong or what's upsetting you. How do you tell someone there is nothing wrong, & yet, everything still is? How do you explain yourself without sounding like a complete nutjob?

People often assume you're just being dramatic, or worrying for no reason & that's exactly what's so frustrating about it. Why would anyone willingly want to worry themselves sick? To get attention? To have the limelight? Why?

If you answered no to any of those questions, or thought to yourself, "no, wait, why would they go to such ridiculous lengths just for attention?", that's exactly the point. 

Nobody likes to be a worrier. Nobody would willingly want to suffer from crippling anxiety & depression just for fun. Because anybody who has had any experience with either of those things, will tell you, perhaps rather desperately, that it's anything but fun. It's not fun to have to miss out on experiences because you're too anxious, too afraid. It's not fun to sit smack in the middle of a considerable amount of people, & still feel anxious & unsure of yourself. And it sure as hell isn't fun to feel anxious about trying to explain yourself to people, to your friends & family, all about why you just can't do something because you have this god awful feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach, no matter how much you try to ignore it. Spot the irony in that sentence?

Coming back to the point, at this stage in the semester, it hasn't gotten too bad yet. It's just at that point where I'd just rather sleep than do anything else. The worst part is, it's going on through only half of my brain, so while one-half is considerably upset & wants to sleep everything off, the other half actually wants to get work done. Because of this, there are short bursts of time where I will get up, get out of bed, & either work on something, or I'll get out of my room & go spend time with my family. And while doing these things makes me feel a bit better than my usual crappy, can't-be-bothered attitude, by the time I'm done, or a significant amount of time has passed, I start to feel rather tired & sluggish. 

I want to work, I want to get things done, & sometimes, I do get them done, but it's clearly not enough. I need to push harder, to get through this better & faster, better than I usually do before. The semester started off pretty good; why must it go downhill because of something as pointless & needless as this?

One thing I feel that I, along with millions of other people, need to understand & cement in my brain, is the fact that my mind does not necessarily control me; I control it, not the other way around. I think what I think, I do what I do; my brain simply just goes along with it. If I keep feeding it the wrong things, the wrong details, then it definitely will think about those wrong details, & consider them to be the truth over the actual truth. You're never as bad as you think you are.

Of course, this isn't to say that it will work for every situation. It's obviously not that simple; it never is. But I suppose in situations where we are in even a little bit of control, it is possible to slowly rummage through & untangle the mess that is our muddled up brain; untangle the parts that are the most bothersome, & to work our way up through it. While I admit it's difficult, it definitely isn't impossible. Think you can, & you will. Think you can't, go on & do it anyway. Afterall, what've you got to lose, right?

Listen harder, people. Jeez. *eye roll*
Smh.

Definitely new favourite quote. <3