Self-Reliance

"It's your road, & yours alone; others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you."- Rumi.

So after that particularly non-positive post, let's try our best to get back to what we've established here on this blog. I'm obviously not going to apologize for anything that I wrote because there really isn't anything to apologize for. Like I said, it was just a more realistic view of life that goes hand-in-hand with the feel good, positive approach that's been going on here, on this blog.

I guess I've decided to keep this blog not only positive, but also more realistic, & to talk about not only the things I wish to change or feel good but also about the everyday things that are not so good, &/or positive. Maybe someone will connect with that, realize that they're not the only one that's going through something like that, or maybe someone will learn from my mistakes or the things I say. Either way, I'm sure some good will come out of this, hopefully.

Getting back onto the main subject of this post, I want to talk about self-reliance, & just how important it really is. Not going to lie, I've just been really lazy in writing; lazy, & unmotivated. The usual really. But this time, I actually decided to beat it, & push through the laziness, & actually write about the topic that I actually have in my head, instead of putting it off, like I'd been doing for days. So I'm kind of really proud of that, to be quite honest. There's also another subject that I have in my head, so hopefully I'll write about that too soon enough.

Anyway, back to the main point. Recently, my emotions have been all over the place. I rarely feel genuine happiness about anything, except for when I'm watching all the Jack Howard videos on YouTube (He's just too funny. It also helps that he's too damn attractive. That hair & those eyes. I die. Anybody else with me on this?<3 ). Those always make me laugh, & cheer me up, if only for a little while. It's still worth it. But anyway, you can say that I've been kind of depressed really.

The point of telling you that was not to advertise Jack for free (If you ever read this, Jack, you're welcome.), but to talk about how, during this entire time, I've not opened up, or spoken about what I'm feeling, to anyone. And while without context, this may seem like a terrible idea, I do have a reason for doing this.

It is, essentially, to become more self-reliant. To try to learn how to figure out things on my own, to find the right answers & make the right decisions, by myself, without outside influence.

I'm a very indecisive person naturally. I always have been. From picking out what to eat, to deciding what to watch, to deciding what looks good on me & what doesn't. Every single thing. I am definitely the most indecisive person I know. It's not that I don't know what I want; I do. I just find it difficult to make a solid decision, because I fear of making the wrong choice.

What if the scarf I choose to wear, makes me look unflattering? What if the drink or dish I order, end up tasting awful, & then I'll have to let it go to waste? What if, what if. Indecisive AND an over-thinker. Unattractive qualities to have, aren't they? I swear I'm not as dull as I sound on here, I promise.

Due to this, I think I've always been heavily influenced by other peoples' opinions & thoughts. I will think one thing, have one opinion about something, but as soon as I ask & know others' opinions, I instantly become indecisive, & my own opinion gets overshadowed by theirs. Their perspective influences mine, & then this quality of mine refrains me from being very self-reliant.

This way, I'm always dependent on other people, what they think, what their opinions are. I cannot make my own decisions when I have people around me.

For this reason, & okay, maybe some others too, I've not spoken to any of my friends recently about what's been going on. It's not pride, it's not ego, it's not the want to worry them (Though it actually would be nice if they worried, because then that'd mean they care, but whatever.). It's the want to be more self-reliant than I have been in recent years.

I say recent years because there actually was a time when I was a completely different person than I am now. I was stronger, more confident, & more self-reliant. Also not as indecisive as I am now, as I have become in recent years. I knew how important it was to be dependent on yourself, & how important it was to have confidence in yourself.

In all fairness, back then there weren't so many factors putting my self-confidence down in the dumps, as they are now. I always said, that at the end of the night, when you lay by yourself, tired after a long, particularly hard day, nobody but yourself is ever there to fix you. Nobody ever will be, no matter you're married or living with someone.

This isn't because they don't care or something like that, no. It is simply because nobody, NOBODY, will ever know what it's like to be you. Nobody can be you. So no matter how much you try to make them understand, try to explain it to them, yell at them, scream at them; bottom line is, they will never be able to understand it exactly how you want them to, simply because they are a different person than you are, & they think differently than you do. Not even a supposed "soulmate" can be THAT similar to you. It's simply not possible. Forget soulmate, not even your identical twin can.

For this reason, for me, it is super important to be someone that I can rely on. To be reliable for myself. I'm pretty trustworthy & reliable for others, that's not the problem. As with everything else, I'm more than enough when it comes to others; however, I'm not enough for myself.

And that's the absolute worst because how dare I am the best for others, but below average for myself? Why can others trust me, but I cannot trust myself? What sort of a person does that make me? What sort of a human being does that makes us, the people that are the same way towards themselves, as I am towards me?

Why is it so easy to be there for others, but not for ourselves? What if our heart, brain, personality, was a completely separate person from us? Would we still be the same way towards them, as we are now? Would we treat them exactly like we do now? Or would we be kinder, more understanding, more reliable towards them? Why can we not do that same thing now?

Go on. Do it as an experiment. Try to deal with your problems, your decisions, yourself. Make your own decisions, & be responsible for whatever outcome those decisions bring. Make mistakes, & then forgive yourself for them. Be there for yourself. Be kinder, gentler, more understanding & reliable, towards yourself. Fight your own battles, without help, every once in a while. Believe in yourself. You can do it because you are strong enough to do it. You were MADE strong enough to do it.

Your own self-needs you way more than anybody else ever did, more than anybody else ever could. Your own self is worth so much more than you think it does. Go on. Realize this. You can do it; I know you can.

Fight your own battles. You can do it. <3