Profound Wisdom

It definitely has been quite a while since I last posted on here. And wow has this blog been negative.*cringe* Anyway, I must admit,it's been a while solely because I am way too lazy to actually sit down & write/type things down. And I have this weird thing where I refuse to type what I write & write what I type. You know what I mean? It's just one of my weird "quirks" in a way. Hey, I'm trying to be positive. Cut me some slack. It's not bad to be weird, right? It's just different than what people perceive as normal.

Anyway. I digress. The whole point of this post is not to just pick on myself & my considerably weird quirks & traits, (recently, I have started to hate that goddamn word. More on that later, maybe a whole separate post about this course I have in this semester of my uni, & it's like, the ONLY course that I actually have fallen in actual love with. Out of all my three years here, it has taken this long for me to actually love something I'm studying. Must be pretty cool, huh? Spoiler alert: it is. Anyway. I DIGRESS. AGAIN. GODDAMIT HERA.) but to talk about, or to share this piece of incredibly profound wisdom that my equally-weird-as-me older sister said to me in the past week. It is something that really made me think, not only about myself but about life in general I guess. I only wish someone would have said this to me sooner. It would have helped me a lot, & maybe even made me be a different person than I am now, at this point in life & time. Maybe I would have realized the things I did after hearing it sooner than now. I don't know. It's all a bunch of maybes really.

Moving on to the actual point of this post, aka my older sister's profound wisdom, I'd like to give a bit of a background story to it. Help you understand it better & all. I am someone that is, (in other people's words & not only mine. I'm not that self-centered, calm down.) equal parts friendly & bubbly. I have always loved making new friends, & getting to know new people. It's even better, & more exciting when they happen to be of a different nationality than me because that just diversifies the whole experience of making a new friend. It adds a whole new meaning to it. Also, it is super fascinating to hear a language that is not Urdu or Arabic. Not only that but their thoughts, their experiences, their knowledge, how they perceive things & how different their culture & traditions are than what I have known my whole life. It is just the most fascinating thing on earth. People are the most fascinating things on earth. If you really think about it, each person is like an unread book, that you get the chance to read once you get to know them. Isn't that the most wonderful thought ever? It is to me.

So anyway, I love making friends, & I love talking & listening to their stories. However, for some God forsaken reason, I have not been able to make a single proper friend in my three years of uni life. Undoubtedly, that sentence really is as depressing as you perceive it to be. It is rather heartbreaking for me if I'm being honest. I hate being alone, & till now, I have not been able to figure out why anything has changed. I'm not intimidating, I'm not rude or mean, I'm not unfriendly. I just don't know. Trust me, I've thought about it A LOT. Way more than it's healthy.

But yeah, bottom line, I am a friendless, lonely person in uni. And I suppose, due to this fact, I tend to not speak up, about anything at all. Even though I'd be DYING to say something, because my brain is constantly thinking thinking thinking, & because I tend to have an opinion or something to say, about literally any & everything. I'd be itching to speak up, but I don't. I just don't. And I know this is one of the reasons why most of my professors think me to be someone that has no opinions or thoughts. It is not true. But because there doesn't seem to be any proof of that, that is the automatic assumption everybody makes about me. And I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I WANT to speak up. I WANT to be a part of the discussion. I WANT to say what I think. It frustrates me that I can't seem to do that. It does. And I have tried to change it, I have, but after awhile, it automatically goes back to being its old crappy self. I go back to being my crappy self.

So now that you have a little background story with the usual Hera-bashing that seems to accompany most of the personal things I write about, on we go with the profound wisdom bit. So imagine the scene: my sister & I, sitting across each other in a restaurant, out for dinner at the place near our house because our parents had ditched us to go to Bahrain(they never made it past the Saudi immigration window, by the way. Take that for ditching us ha! That's karma for you.). I'd just finished an angry rant about why I should just move to the dorms & about how it isn't fair that baba won't let me go. The usual. After I'd angrily declared one of my great master plans to move away, my sister, sitting across from me, smiled a little smile. Then somehow we got on the topic of me being a friendless, lonely person, & basically everything I just wrote above about not speaking up. To which she very amazingly replied:

"So why don't you? Why don't you speak up? You WANT to, right? Why are you hiding your real self?"

To which I'd bitingly replied "I don't know what or who the real me is. How do YOU know what the real me is?", which she generously & smartly ignored, & continued onward with the wisdom:

"Your heart wants to speak up, but then your brain says no, let's not do it, & so you don't. When that happens, when your heart wants to do something, THAT is the real you. When you don't act on it, that's when you're faking it. What the outcome of that is, is not you being the real you. It is pretend, not real."

The moment she said that my brain went into overdrive. Like, holy crap, this is so true. This is exactly what I've been doing. How does she know? WHY does SHE know & I don't? This was the wisest, intelligent thing I've ever heard come out of her mouth, no offense to her. It managed to change my perspective, & it made me think about a lot of things. Though not all were good things, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is, she was right. She IS right. Why haven't I been my real self this whole time? What has changed? WHY has it changed? What has stopped me from being the real me? Fear of rejection maybe? Fear of sounding dumb is actually true, but other than that, I don't really know.

But anyway. The point of this post was, try to always be your real self. Don't give in to whatever your brain tells you. Don't fall for it. It's a trap. An awful one, that will forever be on repeat once you let it in. Don't listen to what your brain says. Don't listen to what YOU say. You are your worst enemy. Your brain will pick & mix the things that you see as the worst parts of you, & make you believe that everybody thinks exactly like you do too. Don't fall for it. Be strong. Don't forget who you are. You are what you are. You are magical. There is no other you in the entire world, & there never will be. You are, quite literally, the only one in a billion. Stay true to yourself, & be the real you, because nobody else can ever be that but you. You are wonderful just as you are. Don't ever change unless it's for the better. You are special, you are unique, & you should be proud of yourself for having the courage to be the real you, no matter what.