Penny For Your Thoughts

*Disclaimer: All the opinions expressed in this post are mine and mine only. Also, if you are easily offended by anything remotely feminist, or of equality for women, or quite simply if you're a menist or a feminazi, I highly suggest, and mildly request, you stop reading right here. Thank you.*

Hello, lovelies!

I hope your day and your week so far has been absolutely smashing. And if it hasn't been either of those, don't worry; there's still a while to go before the week ends. Keep your chin up, keep holding on, and you will make it no matter what, I'm sure; I believe you will.

My week so far has been a rollercoaster of emotions; then again, I suppose my entire life is one never-ending rollercoaster of emotions. Worth it to mention, I hate rides, and I hate rollercoasters.

But anyway, I digress. My emotions have certainly been all over the place, but I've been talking so much more to my best friend than ever before, so that is one of the good things from this week so far; God knows how drastically I've cut back on social interactions with not only new people and acquaintances, but also with the people I've known for years. Lord knows how much I need to change that.

I've also had to write this extremely long, stuffy research report for one of my classes, and it was through that dragged out, painful research and writing session, that I noticed this one thing; it is going to be the main focus of this post, but we'll get to that in just a bit. Hold on tight if you've read this far down after the disclaimer.

Another good thing from this week has been me achieving another bravery badge on my personal imaginary (possibly crazy?) badge board. About two weeks ago, I willingly volunteered for my name to be put down for this thing that was to happen at university; a meeting with the Higher Education Council (H.E.C) for the accreditation of our university.

They needed names of the people who wouldn't mind being "interviewed", and in a spontaneous burst of bravery, I said sure, why not, I don't mind; put me down as one of those people, please.

So, today we had that meeting. I sat in a room with other people who'd volunteered, and the two members of the H.E.C, and I miraculously did not back out, or stay stuck in my shell, no; I spoke up, and I did so confidently. In my three, soon to be four, years of university, if there's one thing I've learned, it is to fake it till you make it.

The art of bluffing is something I've learned from having a complete personality change since I started university, and I don't know if that's a good thing or bad, but hey, at least I've learned something possibly useful, right?

Apart from this being a personal achievement, it kind of also is a collective achievement, because hopefully when (not if) we get accredited, I will not be the only one benefitting from it; the students coming in after we graduate will also benefit immensely from it.

Someone once made me realize the extreme importance of doing something that not only benefits you but also the people that come in after you; it's been another lesson that I've learned through university. (Thanks, Mr.P!) It genuinely felt good leaving that room, knowing that I've contributed to the betterment of the university, and benefit of other students.

Now, while these things have been feel-good kind of things, there was something else that stuck out, and I'm not sure if it's a good thing at all; my instinct tells me it's not, but I think it can be fixed still. The realization of these things is what compelled me to write this blog post, and I think if we talk about it enough, everybody will definitely be compelled to at least think about it too.

While I was writing my report, I realized, with quite the shock, how much the word "mankind" is used. I realized this as I myself was going to, very casually, write the same word while talking about the history of art and design (trust me, it only sounds interesting. Try writing a 13-page report, and then we'll talk).

The funny thing is, once I realized the enormity of the situation, it was so pathetically difficult to find the right word as a substitute to "mankind". How do you change something whose roots are set so deep into history? Anything I wrote as a substitute just felt wrong, felt out of place; whatever I wrote felt extremely off.

Moving onto today, in the meeting room, while sitting with the other volunteers, and these are all highly educated women, I was shocked, again, by how much the word and pronouns of a male are used and sprinkled throughout our everyday lives; the number of times the students used the pronoun he/him while talking about our professors was astounding to me.

Our university is not limited to just male teachers, we have countless female teachers teaching us in our university; our university aims to empower women, and it was saddening for me to see all these educated, smart women completely gloss over and forget our female professors by forgetting to use the correct pronouns.

I know many of you reading this will probably be thinking so what's the big deal, it's just a measly little pronoun; but that, right there, is where the problem lies. It is a bigger deal than it is made out to be. This isn't just about pronouns; it's about the deep-rooted sense of inferiority of women, the unspoken, underlying implication that men are always more important, higher rated than women.

It's not any one person's fault; as can be seen from my example above, this is something that's been written in history, deeply embedded in it. This post isn't about bashing men and their privileges, even though yes, they do have the upper hand; no, this post is meant to be much more deeper than that.

It's not only the men thinking they're entitled to superiority in everything they do; it is also the women like my fellow students, highly educated, smart, intelligent women, choosing to use males as examples, because it is easier to say "he" than it is to say "she". It is easier to group humans into "mankind", into "the evolution of man", than it is to use the words "human kind".

Are we really divided just because of our genders? When will it be the norm to use gender-neutral pronouns, to remove any and all kinds of inferiority and superiority complexes? Is it really that unchangeable? Will it really take the same amount of time to undo this notion of "mankind" as it took to root and embed it?

My hope and wish, for you, the reader, to take away from this post, is this: Think about it. Really think. Do you wish to live in a world where you will raise your daughters and sons to think exactly like the people did all those years ago?

Or would you want to show them change, a better change, to show them that yes, we as human beings, are not stagnant creatures and that we have evolved and changed over time? Wouldn't you want to tell them that it's okay for them to change; show them that you are capable of embracing change, and so are they?

Think about it with all your mind and heart. You decide what kind of world you want, and then you get to work and help build that world. You are the master of not only your own world and fate, but also of the entire world and your future families; think and build wisely.

It affects us all.

Better Than You Think

Hello, lovelies!

I hope your day is going swell (Does anybody even use that phrase anymore? I don't know. I'm old. Don't judge.). I hope life is treating you kindly, and so are the people around you. Everybody deserves to be treated kindly, right? Treat others how you'd want to be treated and all.

So a thought struck me yesterday, and I thought maybe I could share it here. You know how they say that if you dress good, you feel good? Well I thought about it, and this random thought popped into my head, and I have to admit, it bothered me quite a lot; it bothered me enough that it kept me company all the way to university.

While that saying is well and good, I wondered, what if you didn't even want to look good? What if you were that done with everything, that you couldn't even be bothered to make an effort, much less look good? What if you couldn't even get out of the bed? What if it was just one of those difficult days?

Well, if you're anything like me, and makeup is a part of your daily routine, then it doesn't matter much; I tend to get pulled into putting on makeup anyway, because I have grown so accustomed to it now, that without makeup, I look pale and sickly, my (designer) under eye bags that much more prominent. So there really is no "off" day for people like us, because unless it's an extremely, extremely dire situation, only then do I not bother with putting on makeup.

This got me thinking: according to this "theory", it must mean that if we have even one good early morning ritual, be it having a good breakfast, taking a shower with your favourite soap or shampoo, or putting on makeup, then there is something worth getting out of that bed.

As I said, for me, it's the thought of how much better I look and feel when I put makeup on every morning; it is the knowledge that this beautification process, is not for anyone but me. I put on makeup for myself because it makes me feel good, it makes me feel less gloomy and less cranky than I would be if I didn't take out time every morning to do my light makeup.

Yes, my early morning makeup routine makes me feel empowered, it makes me feel more alive, and more ready to take on the day. It doesn't matter to me whether I look good or not; what matters to me, every single morning is that such a simple act, can get me to get out of the bed, specifically on days where I really, really, really don't want to.

I guess my point is, find something, anything at all, no matter how big or small, significant or insignificant, that makes you get out of your bed. Make this reason be a reason for you, and only you; it shouldn't be for anyone's benefit but your own. Who cares that it might seem weird to somebody else in the world? If it works for you, then go for it, by all means.

Because at the end of the day, after you've exhausted yourself trying to win over complete strangers and friends and family alike, after you've cared the whole day about what others think, at the end of it all, you can be assured, that in all the craziness and meaninglessness of the day, there was one tiny thing that you did for yourself.

No approvals, no strings, no anxiety; you did it for yourself, and no one else, and so, no one can ever take that feeling and knowledge away from you. Because for those fleeting few seconds of early morning (this has no number of time attached to it, btw), you were your own person.

Each day, for even a little while, you lived for yourself, without any boundaries whatsoever. Embrace that feeling. Welcome it. And see how much more willing you are to get out of bed every morning.

Yes, you most definitely are. <3

Celebrating Inspirations

*Edit: I decided to add this song after it came up on my iTunes playlist. This is mine and my best friend's song; don't ask why.*

Hello, lovelies!

I really do apologize about the inconsistency of this blog; I don't want to write something that doesn't come from an honest place, and these days, it takes time for inspiration to strike up.

Anyway, this post is to celebrate the fact that we, as people, are capable of so many different things; each of us can do so much, and so many different people have achieved so much. This post is inspired by my best friend being such a kickass, talented, and intelligent person.

She doesn't think so just because she lacks sometimes, but I want her to know that it's okay to lack; it's only human nature because no one in this entire world is perfect all the time.

So this person right, her name is Mashal, and she is this amazing, inspiring person, who has always pushed me to do more, to live up to what she says are my strengths and capabilities. Those are only the things she's done for me; for her own self, she has achieved so much in her life, that I am always in awe of her.

She inspires me to be better and to be proud of what I have achieved in all these years. I've known her since high school/college, depending on where you're from, and she's been my best friend and support system since that very first day of school.

We have this inside joke about being "bffs forever", and when she reads this, and I know she will, she will understand, and hopefully laugh about it. She is someone who has been one of the constants in my life.

She was always extremely smart, and she always blew my mind over just how strong she is, and how strong her morals are. (I know they're not exactly the same now, but that's alright. Not that big a change anyway.) She knows the value of pi, I forget up to how many decimals (Sorry Lou), but isn't that so freaking amazing? She's always been proud of that fact, and so am I.

My best friend is strong, fierce, independent, intelligent, and beyond kind. She's currently living quite far away from me, and I guess it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder, because she and I both know I would never, ever say this to her face; well, maybe if she was upset and I was trying to cheer her up, or if I was feeling particularly emotional that day.

It amazes me that we, as people, can do so much if we put our minds to it; we can achieve so much, not only in studies but also our social lives. I spoke to Mashal a few days ago, to tell her that I am proud of her, and she reminded me to be proud of myself too, because just as she has achieved things in her life, so have I.

Her success does not mean that I can't celebrate mine; her success does not mean my milestones and achievements are any less than hers.

I never thought I would get through uni; I never thought I'd have enough courage and strength to keep doing something I'm not really interested in. But the fact of the matter is, I did get through it; with only a few months left to graduation, I have pretty much survived this seemingly endless ordeal.

I didn't quit halfway through like I was so sure I would; I didn't slack off in the name of not having any interest in what I was doing; I worked hard, and I tried my hardest never to let my grades slide, and they never did.

My sister always told me, people's grades go downhill after their first year of uni; however, with me, it has been the complete opposite. I started off terribly, but touch wood, I've been pretty amazing since the first year. I haven't let myself slack at any point in my university years, and I've tried my hardest, despite having zero interest and being sure that I was most likely going to quit, and give up any and every time.

It has been difficult, every step of the way, but I was, and have been, lucky to have family, friends, and even some teachers (personal shoutout to Dr.Anna, Dr.Marva, Dr. Mitra, and last but most definitely not the least, Mr.Parsa-- thank you for everything), who saw me for the person I really am underneath the protective shell, and they acknowledged the fact that I simply am suited for different things.

They believed in me, and understood my patience, and they never, ever made me feel useless, which, unfortunately, I didn't need anybody else's help in, because I was making myself believe that I am pretty damn useless anyway.

I have been lucky enough to have people around me like Mashal, who have, at one point or another, pushed me to my limits, or simply told me how proud they are of me; they don't know it yet, but sometimes, those little words and gestures were what kept me going through the day, made me get up and out of the bed in the morning, and gave me enough strength to go and face the day head-on, regardless of what happened around, and within me.

I never got the chance to thank them all, but now I do; I am not only thanking them, but also celebrating their diversity, the capability of their brain, their intellect. I am not only supporting and celebrating my best friend, but also reminding not only her but also myself, that while every person is different, every person is still important; every person is to be celebrated for their good and their strengths, instead of being torn down for what they are not, or for what they might lack.

So this post is dedicated not only to my best friend, Mashal Waqar, but it is also dedicated to my family, my friends, my professors; it is also dedicated to me. Thank you all for being a part of my support system, and thank you all for inspiring me by being you; thank you all for holding me up, and thank you all for never kicking me when I was down. May I always be able to do the same for all of you.

Lastly, I thank myself, for always being patient, and getting through every day, no matter the mood or the weather; for refusing to give up, and for fighting through "just one more day. Just one more, and we'll see what happens". Maybe one day I can come back to this post, and maybe, just maybe, this will be the sign I'll need to go on.

Our song! :D <3

Never.<3

Back Again

Hello, lovelies!

^Should this be a regular thing? Hmm. Let's see how it goes.

So, where I left off; miraculously, I remember exactly what I want to continue talking about. I guess it is kind of important to me to talk about this in depth and to elaborate on what I really mean. Maybe someone other than me will know exactly what I'm talking about, what I mean; maybe I'm not alone in feeling or thinking like this.

To give a quick recap, I spoke about how people might not be what we've perceived them to be, or to be more accurate, people might not be exactly how we've trained our brains to think of them. Does that make sense? I really hope it does; I know exactly what I'm talking about and what I mean, and I hope whoever reads this understands and gets it too. I hope I'm not the only one.

I have this friend, let's call her Jane for the sake of this post and her privacy; so this friend, I've known for quite some time now. She was once my "best friend", (what even are those? who came up with this concept?) and I always vouched for this person without a doubt.

I thought we'd be like those forever-type friends that you see in films and tv shows (do that kind of friendships ever exist in real life?); I've sadly, and quite pathetically, always wanted a friendship like that. And also equally as pathetically, I hope every friendship that I forge is going to be the forever kind. Sadly, it never is.

Anyway, point is, after vouching for a very long time for this person, I only very recently realized how much I'd been deluding myself into thinking this person was the best friend there ever was; I thought Jane thought of me just as I did her, that I meant equally as much to her as she did to me. Guess who had a rude awakening? I'll give you a minute to guess.

This person used to backbite about her other friends to me, and in those moments, I did feel a bit weird, but I brushed it off, as I once again deluded myself into thinking that she was just doing so because I was her closest confidante; now, as I see Jane interacting with her friends in a way that is identical to the way she interacts with me, I am forced to wonder if she does the same backbiting about me to them as she did about them to me.

The truth is, it's not about just one friend or just one instance. These things are spread out over all the people in our lives. The same way I realized the truth about Jane and her friendship with me, I realized how eerily similar all our relations are with other people. I've started to see the selfish ways of my family, my friends, my acquaintances; I now see through their sentences, their little actions.

I am forced to wake my brain up from the fog that is delusion and lies, and I now wonder whether it is the people in my life who are at fault for this fog, or if it has been my own self all along, who has willingly turned a blind eye (this is highly offensive and ignorant to my own self- I suffer from ONH; Google it).  Are they cheating me, or have I been cheating myself all along?

Do I do it because I don't want to think bad of them, because we are taught that since we are born, to look at the beauty and the good in people? Or do they, all because they are also taught the same lies as me? Is it time to stop lying to babies, and instead make them strong enough to face the realities of the world?

This post is officially the most mind-boggling post I've ever written. I don't really know whether I've truly come to the conclusion of not only this post, but also to the conclusion of my general thoughts and realization about this topic. I guess it is an on-going process, one that we all go through, regardless of whether we realize it or not; the selfishness and the lies never really end.

This post has also been a huge downer- that really wasn't my intention. I'd just like to know if somebody else also relates to this, and that I'm not the only one who thinks and feels this way. Please do let me know if you ever read this and relate to this; I really would love to know more of your thoughts about this whole mind-numbing matter.

I don't usually do this, but due to the nature and turn of this post, I feel like I need to; so, here is a hug and a kiss, because we are all better with a little more love in the big bad world.

XO

Moral of the story.

Guess Who's Back?

Hello, lovelies!

Yes, yes, and yes. I know I've been worse than rubbish at being consistent with this little blog of mine (new name suggestion perhaps?), and I haven't written in ages. I sincerely apologize for that, not only to you but to myself too I guess.

To be honest, it wasn't so much as a lack of material to write about, as it was the lack of motivation, and just pure, nasty laziness. As can be told from the state of consistency of this blog, I am a rather unhealthily lazy person; unfortunately, this laziness scarily also extends to, and clouds over the work I love too.

Anyway, now that the imminent apologies are out of the way, let me get back to writing what I came here to write. Well, to be honest, I have a couple of things I've thought about in these MIA months; perhaps I will be able to recall them hopefully and write them all down here for anybody that's reading.

I've strangely been more observant, more perceptive, in these past few months. It's not been the most pleasant of experiences, I'll say that. It definitely hasn't been pleasant noticing how different the human behaviour really is than what we've taught our brain to think and process it as.

I realize those are just fancy words compared what I'm really trying to say; these past few months, I've come to realize that people are, in fact, not what they seem, or rather, not what I taught my brain to see them as. This realization isn't limited to outsiders, or just friends, no; I saw the ugly side of my family too.

Now, when I say "ugly side", I don't mean that in a derogatory way, no. I mean that exactly as I wrote above: they are not what I taught my brain to think of them. All these people, people I know, friends, family, acquaintances; I'm not sure whether they are at fault for seeming one way than they actually are, or if it is simply me who is at fault for not seeing them as they are, and thinking more of them than they actually are. Does that make sense?

I don't know. Maybe instead of being perceptive or observant, I've just been losing my damn mind, and now I'm only just sugarcoating it to make it seem better than it actually is. Whoa. Did I just relate my two opinions? Was this post all about foreshadowing?! (20 million points to anyone who can name that reference. I'm willing to bet 20 million points nobody actually can. But you can still try. I won't discourage you.)

I have to go, for now, I have a class to attend. It's the first day of class, and I'm slightly terrified and slightly anxious. Only slightly, though. (Not really. If you know me, you know there is nothing "slightly" with me.)

I hope I will remember enough of what I have in my brain right now to continue this post later. If not, too bad. Onwards and upwards.

Mid-Semester Depression & Other Thoughts

It's that time of the year again.

Technically, this is one of the two times, since it's two semesters, but you get the point. It's halfway through the semester, & unfortunately, things have begun falling apart. It's not as dramatic this time around, thankfully, but it is what it is. I guess that's just because it's at the initial stage, but the fact that I can, & have identified it already, before it has had the chance to get out of hand, probably means that if I act smartly, I can probably overcome it, or at the very least, I can at least control it somewhat.

It gets rather difficult at times, though, to see even a little glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel or the slight sliver of a silver lining in a day. Sometimes, it takes over everything, every part of my day, even if there is nothing wrong. That's what's the most frustrating & upsetting part of this entire ordeal: having no real reason or an answer, when people ask what's wrong or what's upsetting you. How do you tell someone there is nothing wrong, & yet, everything still is? How do you explain yourself without sounding like a complete nutjob?

People often assume you're just being dramatic, or worrying for no reason & that's exactly what's so frustrating about it. Why would anyone willingly want to worry themselves sick? To get attention? To have the limelight? Why?

If you answered no to any of those questions, or thought to yourself, "no, wait, why would they go to such ridiculous lengths just for attention?", that's exactly the point. 

Nobody likes to be a worrier. Nobody would willingly want to suffer from crippling anxiety & depression just for fun. Because anybody who has had any experience with either of those things, will tell you, perhaps rather desperately, that it's anything but fun. It's not fun to have to miss out on experiences because you're too anxious, too afraid. It's not fun to sit smack in the middle of a considerable amount of people, & still feel anxious & unsure of yourself. And it sure as hell isn't fun to feel anxious about trying to explain yourself to people, to your friends & family, all about why you just can't do something because you have this god awful feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach, no matter how much you try to ignore it. Spot the irony in that sentence?

Coming back to the point, at this stage in the semester, it hasn't gotten too bad yet. It's just at that point where I'd just rather sleep than do anything else. The worst part is, it's going on through only half of my brain, so while one-half is considerably upset & wants to sleep everything off, the other half actually wants to get work done. Because of this, there are short bursts of time where I will get up, get out of bed, & either work on something, or I'll get out of my room & go spend time with my family. And while doing these things makes me feel a bit better than my usual crappy, can't-be-bothered attitude, by the time I'm done, or a significant amount of time has passed, I start to feel rather tired & sluggish. 

I want to work, I want to get things done, & sometimes, I do get them done, but it's clearly not enough. I need to push harder, to get through this better & faster, better than I usually do before. The semester started off pretty good; why must it go downhill because of something as pointless & needless as this?

One thing I feel that I, along with millions of other people, need to understand & cement in my brain, is the fact that my mind does not necessarily control me; I control it, not the other way around. I think what I think, I do what I do; my brain simply just goes along with it. If I keep feeding it the wrong things, the wrong details, then it definitely will think about those wrong details, & consider them to be the truth over the actual truth. You're never as bad as you think you are.

Of course, this isn't to say that it will work for every situation. It's obviously not that simple; it never is. But I suppose in situations where we are in even a little bit of control, it is possible to slowly rummage through & untangle the mess that is our muddled up brain; untangle the parts that are the most bothersome, & to work our way up through it. While I admit it's difficult, it definitely isn't impossible. Think you can, & you will. Think you can't, go on & do it anyway. Afterall, what've you got to lose, right?

Listen harder, people. Jeez. *eye roll*
Smh.

Definitely new favourite quote. <3

Semi-Normal

Soooo. It has been a while now, hasn't it?

I'm not sure if I should be apologizing for this or not, since I'm not sure if anyone even follows my posts on here, though there has been a considerable increase in the page views since the last time I posted on here. I'm not sure how people come across this blog since there are literally more posts on here than there are followers, but that's not to say that I'm complaining about it. If anything, it just makes me feel prouder of what little material I've posted on here. As always, I hope it's helped at least one person get through a particularly tough time in their life.

Anyway, it's been a mixed bag of a year so far. We're only three months into the year, & already there has been a myriad of situations & emotions that's flooded through my way. Of course, not all of them were good, but not all of them were bad either. Mostly, it's just been alright. I suppose that's particularly down to me being ridiculously busy for all of the three months so far. There have rarely been days where I've had time to sit & really think about things & situations in my life; the only time that I've ever really had has been the considerably long journeys from the uni to home.

I've done things that have made me feel rather good, happy, & proud of myself. That in itself is a rather great achievement for me, considering how much 2015 was dominated by lows & downsides. It's been good so far (touch wood!), & I hope it continues to be that way. I also hope to overcome this general laziness &/or busy-ness & write more often. There have been so many times where I've thought about writing a blog post down, about something interesting or exciting thing that has happened to me, but I've just simply been way too tired or overworked to sit down & muster up the energy to jot down all the information in a somewhat readable & coherent manner.

However, hopefully, this tiny little problem will be fixed soon, & I'll be able to get back into writing once again on here, simply because I absolutely love it. So hopefully, see you soon!