Another Depressing Post

So yesterday at university, we had this workshop. It was a pair of independent toy makers, who own their own independent toy company. & my god was it exciting.

I mean, c'mon, they can make their own toys! Whatever they want. Nothing is too big or too small, & nothing is impossible. It was super inspiring & motivating, & I haven't stopped thinking about it ever since then. It has made me want to learn new things, maybe not sketching because I have all of zero interest in that, but maybe sewing, or even making simple things out of random things. I don't really know, but I do know that they made me want to learn something, do something new. Even though I know I have no time for myself, no time whatsoever, with all the travelling back & forth every day, waking up early, & all the missed assignments & then new assignments too. But like I said, I really want to learn something new, do something other than live this super boring, super monotonous life of going back & forth, from one country to another, for something that I don't even like, don't even want to do, & have zero interest in.

I've already been thinking of learning a new language for the past couple of days. I don't really know, to be honest. I just want to break out of this boring, monotonous routine or life or whatever. But again, the problem is that by the time I get home, I'm so tired that I literally have NO energy to do anything except sleep, not even eat. Some days, I even sleep without eating anything, it's THAT bad.

I don't know what to do. I'm super tired even now. I can barely keep my eyes open. I can't even have time for myself on the weekends either, there's so much work to do as it is, from the whole month of the university that I missed.

Lately, I have been super depressed & upset about all of this too. & the work just keeps piling on, no matter how much I try to finish it. Even now I'm thinking of all the assignments that are due just for the next week, & all the missed work that I have to hand in. I have at least two more midterms to give. Annndd I can feel another breakdown coming up just beneath the surface, once again.

It's so overwhelming to think about it all. I want to scream & yell & just cry. This monotonous, stressful rut is my life now. & it's not even by my choice.